11 Years

It's another January, which means another year has just passed. it's been 11 years. 

I learned that 11 is the time to understand the world and start to feel things. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you. Well,I would definitely want to tell you later.

11 is also the time I start to forget, which makes me afraid that I will not remember that you were once here with us. I want to always remember you even until I get old, please let me at least do that

Another January means another happy birthday to you!

This year, I don't know how I manage to find another related song again, I've been watching this video these days and it feels heartbreaking so this might somehow tell how we feel, no? :)

Seeing Caterpillars Becoming Butterflies (Part 1)

This is a story about a class I've handled the longest so far as my teaching career. Normally at our school, teacher manages a class for 1 term, about 2 months, after that the teacher will be exchanged so students won't get bored and they can experience different exposures and atmosphere. In November 2011, I was given a new class, a class of teenagers, high schoolers. I still remember when I first came, I met three students, a very serious young boy who seemed having no interest in other things except studying, a quiet girl who was well pretty dressed, and another ignorant girl who kept answering my question with "I don't know, I forget" without even looking at me. I was shaken, it was my forth month teaching, and I hadn't thought teenagers that much. So in my first 45 minutes in that class, I hid my nerve and kept talking to myself, "it's okay". I still remember 3 students came late for almost an hour, I had done my presentation when they came. I still remember their face, when they first look at me, they showed that they had no interest in me, one of them even asked, "why are you teaching us? where's ms.x", they nagged asking for their previous teacher. I had a breakdown on my first day with their cruelty, but I decided to stay. The previous teacher kept complaining about that class, especially those three late musketeers, so I thought that I might have to give it a try.

On our early meetings, I did my best to get to know them better. I love talking to my students, from those teenagers, I learned about a lot of new things, I learned how to deal with them better based on their different current situation. Reading books and watching movies showed me that it's such an easy thing to do, in fact, it was pretty hard on me. when I asked them , they responded not the way I expected.

I have a student named willy, 17yo boy. He is one of the three late musketeers. He always sat on the desk right in front of the teacher table, my table, cope his one hand around his face and stared at me with a very sharp eyes that looked like killer's eyes. I was once had a conversation with him.

Me: Willy what things are you interested in, do you like watching movies?

Willy: engga ms.

Me: what about Sport, do you like doing sports?

Willy: engga suka juga ms.

Me: So what thing do you like the most?

Willy: engga ada ms yang I suka, lagian ngapain sih ms nanya-nanya.

He didn't look annoyed, he was saying it with his straight face but it was embarrassing for me.

Two weeks had passed when I realize that they didn't change. Three musketeers kept coming late and even later, they didn't study seriously, I wonder if they even considered me as their teacher that time, they came late because they went to the fitness center before coming to class. They made me speechless. The rest three students didn't interact that much, they minded their own business. I was really worried. I prepared good materials and activities for the class but they just wouldn't work.

We finally had finished our first month together, it was time for mid-test. As expected, three musketeers weren't ready for it. when their friends were doing the tests, I put them in separated class saying that I would give them additional review. Truthfully I did review all the materials, they were following me seriously, even when I gave them writing practices. Looking at their serious faces toward the books, I wondered, why couldn't they be like that everyday. I mumbled, "why are you studying English?", three of them looked at me quietly. "I ask what is your purpose studying English?" I speak louder, still no response. "Is your mom forcing you to come here? or do you just follow each other to play here?". I remember how willy firstly offended, lift his chin up, "I for my study ms, saya juga worry sama English saya, nanti saya mau kuliah di perhotelan, saya mesti belajar ms..." I nodded, then gazed to Calvin, then he mumbled, "saya juga buat improve bahasa inggris saya ms", the last musketeer, Arya supported calvin's answer. I sighed again and looked at their faces one by one, "you know guys, you parents pay me to study with you here, I'm responsible for your English here so I feel useless if you just play around and give no attention toward the lessons, after hearing your reasons, I hope you can come on time next meeting, at least try coming earlier than coming one hour late. we have only 2 hours here, if you miss the first one, what should I do with things you've skipped? can you at least promise me this?". In the end they said "yes". Miraculously, the next meeting three of them came on time, I met them around the stairs, Calvin smiled and said, "ms, kita nepatin janji kita kan, nggak telat kan?". I smiled, it was one of happiest moments in my life. 

Day after days, I could see them change, but not like in a drama where they should change dramatically, no, it started with a tiny improvement, but I was grateful for that. Willy told me about his interest in cookery, Calvin and Arya showed interest in volleyball, William, the serious guy started telling stories about his brother instead of the academic things, Gaby, the quiet girl shared that she wanted to became an actress but her parents didn't allow her to join any auditions, and Ihui, the half Taiwanese girl who first looked very ignorant started bragging about her very lovely dog Bikime. I could feel that we got closer.

One terms finally ended, I thought I hadn't had enough time with them, I'm still unfinished with them so I told the principal to give me another chance there.

In our second term together, we had two new boys, Josiah, a boy with bright smile with his friend, a very tall Brian. Our class became warmer. In our second term, I finally saw William's first smile, it was really bright, I thought I would only see the folds on his forehead. Ihui and Gaby got along well, Gaby gave Ihui a birthday gift, Josian and Brian were very good at studying, three musketeers came earlier, Willy even came before me for several meetings. Just like that we finished our second term. I didn't have any right to beg the principal to stay there again, so I just let it be, although deep in my heart, I still want to be with them. Surprisingly they demanded to be taught by no other teachers but me. I knew I shouldn't. but I can't help to feel happy with their efforts, they threaten to stop studying if the teacher was changed. so there I was in the third term with them.

I think it was around March and April, three musketeers were up to their national exam at school, I was so nervous thinking about them. Too bad, on the second meeting of the third term, I couldn't make it, I collapsed of the typhus symptoms. I even fainted at my dorm that my uncle took me to his house in Bintaro. I skipped teaching for more than two weeks. It was really hard on me. I had no energy, I felt so used, I couldn't swallow anything, I lost my weight and getting so weak for staying on bed for too long. My mum isn't a text person, neither do I. She kept calling me but I was just too weak to tell things to her, speaking was even hard for me. My friends were normally busy so they didn't really have time to text me. Rather than feeling lonely, I felt afraid, I had never been that weak in my whole life. I started browsing through my smart phone about death that caused by my illness. I was afraid to that extent. If I could say who were there supporting me the most, of course my uncle's family, then my mum, then it was them, my students from that class, Gaby kept texting me reminding me to eat healthy food, William kept asking when I came back, Arya kept sending me jokes that never failed to put a smile on my weakling condition, and Calvin never got tired talking with me, he sent silly jokes and upgraded my spirit. I wasn't good at texting, usually, when people talk with me by letters, I kept thinking of the right response as I didn't want to hurt their feeling, I kept blaming my self if my talking partner ended the chat hanging or response me with a very short word. It didn't happen to me and my students, I love how I could be my self to them, I love how they never got annoyed by my late reply, my complaints, my nags, and even my brags.

At that time, even before I fully recovered, I decided to be back teaching. There was a thing I shouldn't be happy about, but it was touchy indeed. Some of them stop coming to class when I was on my leave, they said they  don't want any other teacher. They boycott the class, I felt so loved that time.

When I finally came back to that class, I was so happy to see their faces again. I guessed I would be recovered sooned. Arya even gave me a batik bracelet saying things like "ms harus cepet sembuh, kalo berasa sakit lagi, liat aja gelangnya nanti kan keingetan saya langsung sembuh deh, hahaha". I laughed seeing how confident he was. I still have the memorable bracelet.

Finally, our third term almost came to an end.Three musketeers were focusing on their national exam. We got closer. I kept supporting them, what was so thrilling, I accompanied them staying up late until morning to study, when they got sleepy they would text me, as a bat girl, it was a coincidence, I had friends to stay up late, it was a mutual relationship among us. When it finally passed, we all could breath in relax. But too bad that Willy started getting busy with his preparation to enrolling to tourism education school in Bintaro which is very far from Pluit that made him stop coming to class, it was around May when Gaby was getting busy too with her final exam at school, she stopped finally. Brian also left because his mum said to postpone the course first. We were left with me, William, Josiah, Ihui, Arya, and Calvin. The class got quieter. It was a bit painful when I saw the seat that used to be Willy's, Gaby's, and Brian's, but we got used to it eventually.

Now That class left with only me, Ihui, Josiah, and William. Arya started getting busy with his study in Untar so he left in around October 2012, Calvin who is currently studying in Binus was also busy with his extra activities at campus and his canon photo school so he left in October as well.

New students came to that class, but the feeling is still the same. It was warm and comfortable to teach there, I've taught that class for 1 year and 2 months because they never want another teacher. It was the only class that treat me more like friends, we shared everything, EVERYTHING, I know most of the things about them, their family, their intention, their dream and so on. They know me too, I don't know how far they've known, but they've seen me in my bad mood, in my good mood, and all situation where I complained and whined.

I still keep in touch with the other students through twitter and blackberry messenger. They're more like brothers and sisters to me. Sometimes they could be so whiny and stubborn, but the other time, they would be so mature and so helpful foe me.

One day when I stop teaching, I won't forget that I've ever been so happy with them and I'll keep our tie as long as possible.

Good Things Happen in Every December

It's 2013 already, relief for those who believed in Mayan's doomsday and I wish everyone a happy new year sincerely :)

I'm painting another pattern as a reminder of what have just happened these days. This was too beautiful to be ignored and to be abandoned.

December has always been my month. It's the last month of the year, a month when people usually reflect on what have happened during the year, as for me, I started breathing on the eleventh day of this month around 24 years ago. 

When I left home, I don't get the chance to commemorate my birthday with my family, I've had it with friends around me. Last year was bitter at first, I was going to spend the night waiting for my day thinking, but I ended up being lectured by my close friend's boyfriend instead, being reprimanded, and being criticized about how I should have acted toward his girlfriend which is my close friend. How bittersweet it was in the beginning, it eventually ended with a sparkling birth month when I could spent the end of the month having holiday at home.

I didn't expect much for my latest birthday, I learned a lot. Who knows that Murphy's law really worked. When I didn't hope for anything, I got more that anything I had ever had in my entire birthday.

At the midnight, I got a surprise birthday cake from my dorm friend and her sister. I made a wish right in front of the burning candles. I slept with spreaded birthday wishes around my phone messages, blackberry messenger, facebook, twitter, and even e-mail. In the morning, I got calls from home and my sister.I was so blessed.

At the midday, I went to work normally, got congratulated by the staffs at my office, and got around almost 5 hours until I had my first class that day. At around 2 pm, while I was busy with my lessons plan, I saw some silhouettes behind the glass wall in front of my desk, then two heads popped out from the door whispered, "ms, ms. wida, happy birthday to you!", when I saw that, I stood up and opened my arms widely so those two kids, Nathania and Jocelyn could reach me, I thanked them, then, Nia gave me her cheek, I kissed my student for the first time there, she was too cute to be ignored. Then, they continued whispering, "you know, we said to mr. Ricko we go to the toilet to pee, but we go here, please don't tell, hihihi...". I smiled brightly. I used to teach them but then, following the rule, the teacher was changed every new term.

Not long after they left, I suddenly had a student came to have school lessons (for catching up the lesson they're lacking at school). I had stayed there for around 30 minutes when Nathania and Cleo, another student from her class knocked on my door to say, "ms, we've got surprise for you, please open a yellow folder on your desk, ok! don't forget!". Later I found out that they made birthday cards for me, it was also thanks to their homeroom teacher, mr. ricko who gave them extra time to put their effort on those cards.

At around 3 pm. I sat back at the office to continue my teaching preparation. When I was about to start, I got a call from the receptionist, she told me that I got a package, I just laughed and told them to stop tricking me, I was so sure they tricked me because I didn't buy anything online that time, but they kept ensuring me, and even said that it was delivered from Bandung, I laughed louder and started enjoying the trick, until they said, "ini paketnya dari bramantyo ardi wardhana", what??, since when did they know my friend's name?. Still unsure, instead of walking down the stairs, I asked the office boy to get it for me if it were real. When the delivery arrived in front of my eyes, I was overly surprised and when I saw it real, I was so happy that I could cry, I didn't ever dream of that kind of surprise package would come from anyone, and even from Bamby, who I self-proclaimed as my brother, well, now I even think that he might be my former brother's long legs, hehe. Thankyouu Bambinoo!

When I finally had my first class that day, my students welcomed me with very warm birthday greetings. That class soon ended, but before I dismissed it, a teenage girl stopped me and asked me to wait then rushed to the downstairs. My heart raced thinking about what would happen. She came back fast bringing a well-packaged birthday gift that she had prepared and had entrusted to the receptionist until she gave it. It was a black bag, that class absolutely know how I was a fan of black. I felt blessed even more thinking about the thought she gave while preparing that gift.

I finally finished working with a super happy feeling then reached home to get another surprise from my best friends that came to my room with another cake and present. I slept peacefully by the feeling of being loved that night.

The next day, I got another class which means I was spreaded with a lot of wishes again. I even got another special gift, why was it special? because it won't be given by just any random student. It was a package of black nail polish and nail pack. Long ago, one of my student complimented my pink nail polish, she also said that I would be better trying black polish for my nails. I told her I wanted to, but somehow I don't feel confident and some friends of mine suggested that I wear bright nail polish to be girly. When she gave that gift, she told me to wear it and be confident because she knew how I liked black and also the nail pack is the part of nail care that she hoped I wouldn't mind making my nails brightened as well when I'm without nail polish, how lovely :')

I had my 24th birthday on 11th December, but I will never forget the 12th as well, A day after my birthday, while I was teaching a night class, I got a surprise from my old students who gathered to come for my birthday, it was DAEBAK! I'll definitely tell about them in my next post.

Well, whenever I introduce myself to new students, I'd say that I'm 17, then after they put their suspicious face, I'll add, 17 plus 6, but now, I guess I must be used to telling them that I'm 17 plus 7. 

A new age, and a new year, I'm also thinking of some aims, but I know how God listens to my prayer so let it be. What's so obvious, I think I've changed, of course, everyone changes, if we don't hurt people or getting hurt by people, we wont change, if we don't change, we won't move forward. If I were a machine, I would always be in repaired. Things that happened and people surround me make me who I am, I want to be developed, I want to be better together with them.

My Father and Me

The relationship between me and my father is difficult to define. So far that I know, we're very close because I've always done everything he asked me to do. I did well at school. I didn't make friends with those who my father thought would harm me. I've always stayed at home playing snake and ladder, monopoly, scrabble, or lego after school since he told me that our neighborhood environment wasn't good. I've always slept in the afternoon exactly from 2 until 4, I had never gone to school before I finished my breakfast. I had never had my lunch before I fixed my shoes and uniforms on the right place. I remember that I never intentionally disappointed him except when I skipped one of my afternoon sleeping time and escaped from the windows to play with my friends, I do regret it.

I know we're very close because I've always been there for him. In the morning, I would be the one who was ready to join my father's morning exercise, running. I remember it was always still dark, my sisters would still be covered by their thick blanket while me, ready to fight with the morning breeze. Sometimes I wonder, why did I want to do that? If I didn't want to, I could just say no, but the fact that I did it, maybe it was also part of my unconditional love toward my father.

He would run so fast and leave me behind then I would be scared of being alone in the dark so I would try my best to chase him. Sometimes my father would trick me, give me his heavy bag and said that he needed to fix his shoelaces. when the bag was in my hands, he would run again, and I'd hardly try to chase him with that heavy bag.

That was happened eight or ten years ago. As the time goes by, We barely have time to do those things. My father is loosening his strict rules toward me. During my high school  I could go wherever I wanted to go, I could get home late in the night. To get those kind of freedom crept me out too. I asked my mother why he always permitted me doing everything, and my mom's answer made me speechless, "your father knows how stubborn you are, even though he says, no, you won't listen, you'll still do things you like, so tactfully he always says, yes". I wonder if I was really that stubborn, but thanks father for putting your trust on me that time.

Nowadays, I barely talk to my father. He isn't a text man, neither do I. He's not so keen on talking on the phone, and I found it more difficult to build conversation on the phone with him, you know, things have changed, and when it happened, we're at different place and situation.

As he goes older, I know how I come to this level of stubbornness, it was inherited by him.

About two weeks ago, I went home. As usual, my father would gladly drive me to places I requested. We talked a lot along the way. My father isn't the kind of man who said sweet words to me, we often exchanged nag and ended up defensing ourselves. It was still the same fun.

Two weeks ago, I realized one thing, I need to get to know my father more and my father needs to get to know me more, because in several part, I'm not the same as I used to be. It's quite amusing, let me give you example. During lebaran, I was quite exhausted following my father here and there visiting thousands of relatives which meant I tied my hand on my father's hand, which also meant not ordinary since in my town, people at my age should go with friends, not with their father visiting all the oldies. I did enjoy knowing my relatives, but I felt too tired that time so I did protest him why he kept forcing me to follow him everywhere. His answer made me furious, "Is it a burden following me? why? wanna go with your friends? where are they? I don't see one these days, and its not like you have a boyfriend either to take you everywhere, so just follow me and memorize all your relatives". I was burned that time, I didn't want to just lose, so I answered, "why mentioning boyfriend? how am I going to have boyfriend if I always follow my father and my mother everywhere?". My father just laughed. I thought about it a lot, he's surely concerned about me. These days I barely meet my friends, they're busy with their own lives and I wont bother disturbing them. It brought me to tears though.

Another story that strengthened the fact that we both needs to get to know each other more, we've got so many relatives, some of them live quite far that we need to drive there. One day we planned to visit one of them. My father warmed up his old car, then my mother got in, my two sisters came afterward while I was still in my bedroom, fixing my messy liquid eyeliner, to be honest I'm not in to eyeliner, I'm still amateur. I wasn't keen on 'make up', but these days I learned about it. When I got home, people kept thinking that I was still students, and my mother kept encouraging me to change a bit, to take care of my 'womanish side' to look as what adult woman looks in my town. So that day, my father kept pressing the horn calling me out. I was really angry because even in a normal situation, I hardly put on eyeliner, in a hurry moment like that, I saw a picture of mountain on my eyelids, it was horrible. I took all of my 'make up' things, then got out of home with sully face, my father asked if I was asleep before, of course it was just a sarcastic way. I told him that I needed more time for my 'make up', he was just like giving less care and mumbled stuff like "why bother putting make up, what for, woman with make up or without make up is just the same". I was like argh! it's useless to answered, so I started erasing my eyeliner. Along the rocky road, I thought a lot, previous time, when I got home, I still didn't like putting 'make up' so I didn't need more time, but these time, I can't just leave home shabbily, I've got that sense of shame and I want to respect my self more.

Well, there were too many stories to be told here, stories I want to remember, I learned a lot last time I was home. When I kissed that old man before leaving home for another year, I talk to him in my heart, "dad, I might not be anyone now, but I'm sure that I'm not stubborn for no reason, I promise to understand you better in the future".

Ah, I write for this long, once I read this again, I miss my father more. I love him unconditionally.

Whistle for The Choir

Peluk

Being stiff on you is suffering but acting pitiful doesn't make things better either. So, let's try our best :)

Who Needs Mindreader?

Sebuah percakapan absurd saya (S) dan seorang teman (T) di damri AC Jurusan Jatinangor-Dipatiukur pada suatu pagi menjelang siang.
...
S: Hey, aku lagi mikirin gimana kalo ada mindreader ya, pasti lebih mudah semuanya
T: Mulai aneh, apalagi itu mindreader?
S: ada alat yang bisa bikin kita tau pikiran orang dan kita bisa ngasih tau apa yang kita pikirkan ke orang lain, tanpa perlu ngomong.
T: tapi kalo gitu nggak seru lagi, kita udah tau semua yang orang pikirin
S: Justru di sana bagian serunya
T: Aku malah serem kalo beneran ada alat kayak gitu, nanti kalo kita nggak suka sama orang dan orang itu bisa baca jelas dengan alat itu, gimana coba?
S: Ya nggak apa, kalo kita bisa baca orang lain nggak suka sama kita, ada sebabnya kan, pikirin sendiri sebabnya
T: Yaa, tapi kan jadi nggak enak perasaan kalo gitu
S: Loh kenapa nggak enak, kalo kita jelas tau apa yang orang pikirin, ya tinggal gimana usaha kita ngadepin apa yang orang pikirin.
T: Ah tetep aja nggak enak, serem ah..
S: Masaa? Aku pengen banget ada alat yang kayak gitu
T: Mau buat apa sih?
S: Aku pengen orang tau apa yang aku pikirin yang aku rasain tanpa aku perlu ngomong dan seenggaknya biar aku tau apa tanggapan orang tentang itu tanpa perlu nanya lebih dulu
T: ohh..
...
dan kami pun terdiam, menatap jalanan cigareleng yang seumur-umur kami naik damri nggak pernah nggak macet.
Oh mindreader, I really want to know their feeling and I want them to know mine too.

Only God Knows Why

"...
People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand 'bout the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone for way too long
Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh, somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
Still I ain't seen mine
No, I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that there line
So I think I'll keep on walking
With my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why..."

Kid Rock-Only God Knows Why

Buzzer Beat

I love this dorama (Japanese drama series).

“Kamiya Naoki is a young player from a professional basketball team. But due to his relatively smaller size and his tendency to crack under pressure, he is unable to show his true skills on the court. Meanwhile, Shirakawa Riko is a cheerful, strong-spirited music college graduate aiming to become a professional violinist. One day, Riko finds Naoki’s lost cell phone on a bus, and their meeting begins a friendship that eventually turns into love. However, Naoki was already considering marriage with his current girlfriend. And it doesn’t help matters that Naoki’s coach has fallen in love at first sight with Riko!." (source: drama wiki)

This isnt a 'menye-menye' dorama. Buzzer Beat is nice dorama basically told about sport (basketball). I've watched it so manytimes that I couldnt remember. I've learned manythings about love and life from this dorama.

I love the "taptap" sound heard from the step of Naoki while playing basketball, and I'm also so damn in love with Riko while she plays the violin, I loveee all the tones she played.

This is one of it, listen.. this is pretty and warm >

Well, and I'm kinda touched by this screenshot ;)

Don't Worry, I'm not That Sorry :)

You dont have to feel sorry about me. Dont ever took a pity on me too. I'm trying to get a life and I dont want you to ruin it for the second time. Everything about us, no, about you and me, is over. You have nothing to do with me, and I should mean nothing to you.
Never act like you care, it really hurts.
You're not an angel, nor a saint, so with your honour, please stop this. Stop bothering me with your halfway kindness, what for? It wont change the way I'm feeling and the way you're doing.
Err.. dont tell me what to do, and dont promise me manythings. You're not even my father. you're not in the place to be nice to me, I wont care what you are doing, they're none of my bussiness.
No, I'll never hate someone like you, you are really the best I've ever known (at least untill now). I used to believe in everything you said, but not now when you're nice because you thought that you're a fault for me.
It's totally okay now, you.. let's forget it all. I may need many years to do but wont it be easier for you, so what to worry? you.. please get your life, I might have mine someday :)

(I wish I could tell you these, but in fact, I cant, haha.. how pathetic :D)

He's Just Not That Into Me

Hola Amigos..
yesterday was a 'rainy' day so I decided to put off my internet cable and looked for something to read. But then I felt so bored so I opened my old box and looked for some DVDs to be watched. well there were some movies that I've bought since even some years ago but I never watched them. while choosing a movie, my eyes stucked in 'He's just not that into you'. I've had this movie for almost a year but never played it on. when I was in KKN, a friend also bought this movie but still had no mood to watch it. looking at the title, I was just afraid.. I didnt know what was I afraid about, but now I realize it. I didnt want to know if 'he's just not into me'. How shame, I was running away.
but not now, thing has changed, I've learn a lot.. yesterday I finally watched it, along the movies I often said, "oh it's just like me". I love everyword said by the actors and the actresses, they're all mad me feel better.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave."
"And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a wonderful guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope."
(He's just not that into you, 2009)

(Maybe) Unfair

http://sayingimages.tumblr.com/page/5

Penny and Me (were)

Just like the rainbow after the rain,
a good thing will always happen after you experience pain.

What a week, thanks God for arranging many ‘surprise’ for me, I'm grateful that I can survive till now. A hard week, it seemed like everythings around me said, “Hey be tough you girl!”
I sumtimes would feel so useless if I couldnt stop dramaing my heart.
What am I actually thinking by doing such a useless things, Oh cmon, million of people in the other continent are starving now. Still million of people too are ailing killed viruses. Then million of people are losing home, losing families, losing life by the disaster, and ME? Alhamdulilah I’m healthy all over my body, I aint lack of anything, I still eat, I dont suffer from any viruses, and thanks God I live in a safe area.
Then WHY? Why I spent most of my time thinking of you, you’re even stay in my mind while I’m running, why are you everywhere to me, hey the one who actually useless for me? It’s because I’m tired, but I dont know how to deal with it. It’s not like I’ve got e fever so I could get paracetamol for curing, but in this case, I’m sick and YOU are the medicine that I’ll never get.
Even if someday you come, I swear myself I wont give you although just a damned little attention. I mean after all you’ve done, you wont deserve it. I think I’d better suffering all my life. You have to know that maybe NOW I’m so fool but, hey isnt it LIFE? You have to learn to be GOOD. Now I’m learning, err not now, all these years, thanks to YOU. Believe me I’m always wishing you a happy life though you’ve ruined me. Me too always put you at my highest pride, even when you left me without saying anything. And most important is the fact that there’s no one like you, thanks God for everything we’ve been through. You might be irreplaceble but if I could choose, I’d rather be with someone who will stay and never leave.

hey, no, this is not a song for you, this is for my dog and I dont know why I keep playing this song along day.. I'm just in love with it..

"Cigars in the summertime
Under the sky
By the light
I can feel you read my mind
I can see it in your eyes
Under the moon as it plays like music every line
There's a rug with a bleeding dye
Under the fan
In the room where the passion is burning high
By the chair with the leopard skin under the light
It's always Penny and me tonight"
...
"Staring at a million city lights
But still Penny and I are all alone beneath the sky
Feel the wind rushing slowly by
If I could soar I would try to take these wings and fly
Away to where the leaves turn red but no matter where I am instead
Singing along to feeling alright
Or making it by pink moonlight
It's always Penny and me tonight"
...
"Cause Penny and me like to roll the windows down
Turn the radio up
Push the pedal to the ground
And Penny and me like to gaze at starry skies
Close our eyes
Pretend to fly
It's always Penny and me tonight"
...
"Penny likes to get away and drown her pain in lemonade
Penny dreams of rainy days and nights up late by the fireplace
And aimless conversations 'bout the better days
Singing along to feeling alright
Making it by under pink moonlight
It's always Penny and me tonight"
...
Penny and Me (Hanson)

Zzz...

A: Haha, I'm so stupid. I fell for him, knowing for a fact he wouldn't catch me. Damn, that fall sure did hurt
B: why do you have to be? he didnt deserve you
A: yes I have to, I dont have any reasons to fall for him. When I say, “I love him,” it’s not because I want him or because I can’t have him. It has nothing to do with me. I love what he is, what he does, how he try. I’ve seen his kindness and his strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of him. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what he is.
B: If then could you please loving him without hoping?
A: I should be a saint
B: Yes you are, you fall for the one who ruined you. It's more than enough to be a saint
A: But I'd rather be with him than being a saint
B: You're just selfish. You said that you fell for him but you dont even accept that he fell for other
A: Why? after all we've been through?
B: He's just the same as you
A: No he isnt, he's heartless
B: You're all wrong, when you said that you dont have any reasons to fall for him, he doesnt too, he doenst have any reasons to fall for her
A: ...
B: Dont cry
A: No, I'm not, I'll look fooler if I cry
B: You deserve more, believe me
A: no, that's not it. how do I get better once I got the best?
B: Relationships are not about whom you've known the longest, or who cared first or who cared best... it's all about who came and never left.
A: I think I'm gonna cry
B: Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again
A: I dont know if the pain is gone or if I'm just getting used to it
B: Never dwell on the past and dont allow the future to scare you, because it will crush the happiness of your present
A: nothing quite like the feel of something new. maybe i’m all messed up
B: You deserve more..
A: I hope so..

nb: quotes are from many sources rearranged by me

Upendo

http://londonisthecapitalofparis.blogspot.com/2009/09/darling-place-seal-over-my-heart-love.html

and that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist :)

apa sih???

Sebelum masuk pada inti catatan saya kali ini, saya hanya ingin mengatakan bahwa saya bukanlah tipe orang mudah membicarakan masalah “cinta” secara terbuka. Tentu saja cinta yang saya maksud disini adalah bukan cinta dalam arti universal, seperti saya mencintai Ibu atau Bapak saya atau seperti saya mencintai Ricardo Kaka yang telah menjadi suami orang. Cinta disini adalah cinta yang itu, ya yang sedang ada dalam pikiran kalian. Saya biasa bercerita segala hal dengan teman dekat saya, tapi tidak pernah tentang cinta, bukan karena saya menyembunyikannya, tetapi karena jujur, saya saya tidak begitu suka membicarakannya because I’ve been betrayed by it, long time ago but it was soo mean.
Ada banyak pertanyaan dalam kepala saya tentang cinta, yang suatu saat saya harap saya bisa memahaminya. Suatu kali saya pernah berdiskusi dengan seorang teteh saya, yang mengatakan bahwa cinta itu “bukan karena”. Maksudnya ketika kamu menyukai seseorang dengan tulus, itulah cinta. Tapi bagaimana mungkin ada yang seperti itu? Ketika saya menyukai seseorang, pastilah ada sebabnya, karena orang itu baik, ramah, lucu mungkin, menyenangkan, dan karena-karena lainnya, tetapi itu logis bukan?
Satu tahun yang lalu, teteh lain pernah bercerita pada saya di Bali tentang bagaimana cinta itu datang pada dua orang berupa sinyal-sinyal listrik yang tarik menarik satu sama lain, iyakah??? Kadang saya berpikir bagaimana mungkin dua orang saling mencintai, kecuali itu adalah suatu kebetulan, atau salah satu diantaranya mengalah pada perasaannya sendiri. Maksud saya begini, ketika A mencintai B, atau katakanlah menyukai B (karena menurut saya cinta itu masih absurd), alangkah kebetulannya B juga menyukai A. Mungkinkah semua cinta di dunia ini kebetulan? Kalau bukan kebetulan maka salah satu dari orang yang mencintai itu pastilah mengalah, melakukan apa-apa yang tidak disukainya demi menjaga perasaan orang lain, apa itu yang namanya cinta? Jika ternyata cinta itu muncul dari daya tarik-menarik alamiah antaradua orang, lalu darimana daya itu?
Ada lagi yang mengatakan cinta itu adalah karena biasa. Biasa makan bareng, biasa main bareng, jalan bareng, dan biasa melakukan hal-hal lain bareng, lalu kalau begitu menurut cinta itu adalah kebutuhan yang kita ciptakan sendiri, hanya karena kita tidak bisa lepas dari hal-hal yang biasa kita lakukan bersama seseorang.
Entah mengapa pengalaman cinta(mereka menyebut itu cinta) orang-orang yang ada di dekat saya kebanyakan menyedihkan. Ada teman yang meski ditipu berkali-kali oleh “cinta”nya, tetap saja bertahan, memberi maaf kesekian kalinya (menurut saya itu bodoh, kesempatan ke dua adalah menerima maaf, tetapi ke tiga, ke empat, ke lima, dan seterusnya adalah kebodohan). Ada yang tidak lagi membutuhkan orang lain setelah menemukan “cinta”, melakukan aktivitas setiap hari bersama si “cinta” seolah-olah hidup itu hanya dalam sebuah kotak dengan batas aku dan kamu, tidak peduli yang lainnya. Ada teman yang meski jelas-jelas tidak lagi dicintai oleh “cinta”nya, tetapi tetap saja kekeh, tidak mau melepaskan diri, melakukan apa saja untuk menarik perhatian si “cinta”, menelan obat melebihi dosis, tidak mau diobati demi mendapat simpati “cinta”, dan ada banyak lagi pengalaman sahabat-sahabat yang membuat saya istighfar. Berapa persen dalam hidup kita yang kita berikan untuk “cinta” itu? Sebegitu banyakkah sehingga ketika itu terjadi, kita tidak ingat lagi bahwa kita punya Tuhan, bahwa hidup kita itu tidak sebatas “cinta” kita, kita punya orang tua yang sedang bekerja membiayai kuliah kita, kita punya “sahabat” yang hatinya tidak pernah kita pikirkan ketika kita punya “cinta”. Padahal ketika “cinta” itu pergi, sahabat adalah orang yang pertama akan menerima kita dengan tangan terbuka.
Entahlah, ini hanya beberapa hal yang mengganjal dalam hati saya, boleh sepakat boleh tidak, ini hanyalah sekedar tuangan pikiran biasa saja.
Beginilah, baru berbicara masalah cinta sebanyak 577 kata saja saya sudah bosan, cinta memunculkan banyak pertanyaan yang malas saya cari jawabannya, karena itu hanya akan membuat saya semakin bingung, saya yakin pada saatnya nanti saya saya akan mengerti, kemudian menemukan seseorang yang saya sukai “bukan karena” (walopun meragukan :p), atau bahkan “cinta” itu sendiri, amiin... hahaha...

apa yang kau pikirkan tentang hujan?

apa yang kau pikirkan tentang hujan?
aku teringat pintu yang terkunci rapat dan segelas susu hangat
apa yang kau pikirkan tentang hujan?
aku bisa melihat katak-katak tepat di bawah riaknya
apa yang kau pikirkan tentang hujan?
aku mengingathampir enam tahun yang lewat

aku hari ini melihat hujan
tepat saat pertama dan terakhirkalinya aku memelukmu diam
aku bahkan lupa apa aku benar merasakan denyut nadimu waktu itu
apa yang kau ingat tentang hujan?
aku melihat satu-satunya mendung di wajah bapak
dan dalam doa-doa pasrah ibu

apa yang kau pikirkan tentang hujan?
mungkin kau yang seharusnya sedang meminta bola
membuka pintu lebar dan menolak segelas susu hangat
lalu aku jelas melihat dalam hujan
kau yang berlari tepat dibawah tetesannya

saat ini hujan...
dan bodohnya aku ingin sekali bertemu
tidak peduli hujan
aku ingin menyimpan kembali potret wajah yang mulai buram

jika hujan
aku ingin kita bercerita di bawahnya
berbagi banyak hal
tentang aku yang keras kepala
tentang lian bahkan lebih dewasa dariku
tentang adek yang mulai remaja..
aku ingin kau tahu semuanya

apa yang kau pikirkan tentang hujan?
bagiku hanyalah alunan melodrama kesedihan yang biasa


jatinangor,
awal november yang penuh hujan
just 4 my only one brother
when will we meet again God?

he's just ben

His name is Ben
Just call him Ben
I know him all
He was just about 7 years old that time
He told me how to laugh

Actually he was Ben
A silly boy stood in front of my windows
Told me a very big liar
Then smile a wide oceans
How come I cry???

I called him Ben
A litle boy not higher than me that time
Knocked my door then hiding beyond
My dad really loved him
So did my mother

I know he was Ben
My sist was always waiting for him
Telling a fool story
I did too
I want to hear the story more

But what’s to do Ben
Before it’s over
I went away

That’s why I called him Ben
He gave me a black doggie
As black as my world that time

It has been 10 years Ben
Doggie’s dead
but there will always be another doggie
I promise Ben

Well, he will be just ben
a guys I know forever
we do care no matter

Mereka dilempar ke jalan...

ini cerita buat ngingetin orang-orang kalo David Grossman emang bener banget, manusia di bumi ini udah kehilangan keperkaannya, udah ga punya perasaan..

ini pengalaman di bus sepulangnya aku sama dina ke alun2, waktu itu bandung lagi gerimis, udah sore, jadi beredarlah gosip kalo itu damri terakhir, waktu sampai di depan gedung sate, damri berhenti, walopun udah sesek, tetep aja banyak yang naik, salah duanya adalah anak kecil lusuh dan kotor. anak pertama usianya sekitar 7 tahun, yang kedua seperti adiknya dan berusia 5 tahunan (prediksi orang biasa seperti saya^^)
dilihat dari penampilannya, jelas mereka bukan penumpang seperti kami, tapi bukan juga mau ngamen, karena bus terlalu penuh waktu itu, aku duduk di depan pintu banget...
anak kecil itu berdiri tepat di pintu, aduuh.. aku aja serem ngeliatnya, kalo jatuh gimana...
seorang bapak yang deket sana, kelihatannya peduli, berdiri di depan mereka, supaya mereka ga jatoh, anak kecil itu badannya bener2 kecil, bajunya basah, kotor lagi.. mereka bilang mau numpang ampe manaaaa gitu, lupa aku...

terus terang, siapapun akan terganggu sama adanya dua anak kecil yang berdiri di depan pintu, yang ngeliat yang jadi was-was.. tapi aku nggak berpikir ada orang yang tega mengangkat tengkuk anak kecil tertua dan menurunkannya di tengah jalan, tepat waktu jalanan lagi macet, aku bahkan tidak tahu apa nama tempat itu, di daerah mana juga nggak tahu..

tapi di dunia ini ada yang seperti itu, bapak kenek damri itu bener2 nggak berperasaan, dia menurunkan dua anak polos tak bersendal itu, di tengah jalan, di waktu hujan..

iya kalo anak itu tahu jalan pulang, kalo nggak, gimana???
dan cara dia nurunin anak itu bener2 nggak manusiawi, di ngangkat tengkuk anak itu trus dilemparin aja ke jalan..
anak tertua langsung menuntun dan merangkul adiknya yang masih terlalu kecil untuk tahu mengapa mereka diturunkan secara paksa...
sang kakak dengan hati-hati berjalan ke pinggir jalan, terus berjalan bersama si adik, lama-lama, pemandangan itu hilang bersamaan dengan laju damri, diiringi puluhan mata iba penumpang, termasuk saya yang sama sekali tidak berbuat apa-apa...

kalo emang bus udah terlalu penuh sampai2 nggak bisa menampung dua anak kecil itu, kenapa setelah itu justru lebih banyak penumpang yang naik???

apa mereka bukan manusia???
tepatnya apa bapak kenek itu nggak punya anak???

suatu saat, walaupun tidak saat ini, mungkin nanti...
saya pengen jadi orang yang bisa berguna...
amiin...

My Tea's Gone Cold

My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can’t see at all
And even if I could, it’d all be gray, but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it’s not so bad; it’s not so bad…

March, 2^nd 2008
10.08 PM

Hai!

Ini malem, jatinangor diguyur hujan, aku baru aja balik dari kosan dina, ngerjain tugas HI eropa, ugh, mana uwchaan, bechek, ga adha ouwcek, hehe, ya, intinya, jatinangor saat ini lumayan lengang.

Bdw, the rain makes me feel mellow, blue.. hehe..

Beberapa hari ini, alhamdulilah semuanya berjalan lancar, tapi lagi inget omongan nindy 2 hari yang lalu, hari itu semua berjalan normal sampe orang nggak penting lewat, terus nindy nanya “Wida, do u still love him?” aarghghh, “maksudnya??” okay, I’m really a big liar, I’ve been beaten. If she asked me ‘bout that, absolutely yes, toh nobody may change my mind, that’s my right.. but isn’t it tat crazy lil’thing? How can I spend my breath for an unimportant person I’ve not known well, that’s really geek

“Biasa aja ndy” OMG, kenapa kata2 ini yg keluar? what a nice liar. “All I need just an awareness and also awakeness, no need to regret.” Aku nambahin. Nindy juga ngasih kesimpulan “Iya, the key’s just REALIZE”. hahaha, lucu banget, u just keep a tree grew in front of u, but u dont even wana try to pick the fruit, nor the leaves...

My quirky’s gonna change a lot...

As my tea’s gone cold

But I know it’s not bad

Everything’s gonna be okay...