THE STRUGGLE IS REALLY REAL

I have never really told anyone about the details of my family matters. Not that this should be kept secret, it's just that in some points I shared stuffs with my close friends, but their responses saddened me. It's something they can never relate, so I don't expect any understanding from them either.

As soon as I graduated, it was like a common consensus in my family that I had to fend for myself, not to mention, I was as expected, financially responsible for my second sister who was in uni at that time.

I spent my university days happily and without lacking anything. My mom did her best to provide and support me, but our situation was not the most ideal once my sister was also in uni. I wanted to make sure my sister also receive what I received.

I didn't want to do this while resending anyone, so I chose the job I was so happy with, teaching. It was not the highest-paying job I could get, so I had to take extra private classes in the morning, I even did home-visit teaching by request. I managed corporate classes during the day and taught full time from the afternoon to evening. I also have classes on Saturday, from morning to afternoon. Exhausting? probably, it's just that I didn't feel like it was tiring at all. I loved my job so much. I loved being with my students, from the toddlers to the adults, I treasure the times I spent with them. Difficult times were less difficult because of them. With the money I earned, I could support my second sister with her study, my mom only needed to pay for her house rent every year. I didn't know how I could manage, but I could always save enough money when needed, either for her daily expenses or her semester tuition. I remember it was sometimes thrilling, when my sister suddenly called, "Mbak aku minggu depan ada study tour.", "Mbak, aku perlu sekian untuk praktek ini disini..", "Mbak, HP aku rusak...". It honestly didn't drive me crazy, there was always a way, or could I say, divine intervention?. I don't remember any day I was upset or complained just because I have to do everything I can for my family.

Not long after my second sister graduated, my youngest sister also went to uni. She enrolled to a private uni and at this point, there was no way (because of one and another) my mom could support her financially. I didn't know once again how I could manage to cover everything for her until she graduated, while also supporting my second sister who were still not independent until recently. How could I earned those money? By doing all sort of jobs of course. I'm forever grateful for all the opportunities.

For the past 10 years, my family has always been my priority. I don't have time and energy for trivial matters. The only sacrifice I made was letting go of people who hurt me (on purpose or not). I didn't have the energy to fight for them, or to explain myself. I went through the years with those who stick with me in all situations (even in my worst days when I couldn't help but being grumpy and annoying). Those few people are very precious to me.

By the time you read this part, I'm sure you'd pity me, which why I never openly shared this details to anyone. I once told a very good friend of mine and her response was, "Your sisters are not your responsibility, your parents have to do everything they can to support them..". Another friend asked me, "Why would you sacrifice your life for your family? you're an adult, so you can do anything you want for yourself..". He couldn't understand the life I was living.

I never resent them. I realised their situation might ideally be different and unless they were in my shoes, they would never know how I felt. I love doing what I have been doing. Yes, my family has been my first, but along the way, I made time, I saved money so I could enjoy my life too. I don't want to later regret supporting my family and not living my life to the fullest. I practically worked so many jobs in the past 10 years, but magically they're mostly something I could do well, so I was not suffering. This must be God giving me his mercy. I always have this thought that there's my family's rights in whatever I earned, because the more I spent for them, the more I earned. Alhamdulillah, that's always the case :)

If there were days I cried myself to sleep, it was not because I wished I had led a different life, but it was because things were too hard for that day and a good cry might help. 

Now, looking back to those years, I sometimes still can't believe I could make it this far. Things are still the same, I'm still the breadwinner of the family, but it's so much better and easier now. I start catching up on this and that I missed. I'm content with everything I have and achieved until now. I will continue to  always work hard and be grateful.

KALEIDOSCOPE: Career

The last time I was very invested in this blog was when I shared about my teaching journey. Once I quit, I rarely came back and wrote things. I guess life has been better and brighter and I also found friends I could rely on and share everything with, who are just like this blog.

I'm determined to share more from now on, but just for reference, I would like to share what have been going on since I quit teaching.

2014-2017: I made the biggest decision in my 20s. I quit a career I thought I would have spent my whole life dedicated to it. I joined a Public Relations company. This led to many changes in my life. I started working on monitoring news media for certain clients, then got the chance to work on media relations-related activity, without realising I was involved in a communication training program for various clients, then I started working on some report writing project while managing some communications-related events. I learned a lot thanks to my persistent and resilient self (not gonna give the credits to anyone else because I gave my blood sweat and tears during these times). Here I also found out that I mostly enjoyed working with donors, non-profit organisation, and for social cause. Corporate stuffs are just not my thing. I could work on the sector, but definitely not the happiest times for me. I also discovered my passion for report writing.

2017-2018: God is good. in one of the training I facilitated, I met an expert who ended up offering me a good start in non-profit international organisation world. I took the risk and the offer, despite the lower salary and benefit. It was a good struggle because these times made me realise that never once Allah leaves me, so I will trust Him and never put my fate in the hands of anyone. I received many side-jobs as a consultant for some other projects and for report writing which made me able to make ends meet.

2019:  I spent most of this year jumping from one project to another, it was fun and rewarding. I have a lot of time to spend with my cousin's family (particularly my nephews) I was living with during the day, and spent the evening working. I think I mastered parenting in almost 3 years I spent with them :D

2019-2020: I won a lottery! I was suddenly offered a job in Papua. This eye-opening opportunity is something I will always be grateful for.

During these years, I occasionally traveled, I even solo-traveled for the first time in my life (this worth one post). I joined some volunteering activities, mostly for child-related causes. I learned and let go. I won some and lose some. I just wish I had made time to stop by to write things up because it's bittersweet to read all the stories again one day.

An Emotional Eid

I rarely say it when things are hard, almost never. Through all these years of adulting, the least thing I want to do is wasting my energy on complaining. Especially after automatically being responsible for so many things. When there’s feeling like I wanted to complain, I took a deep breath, listen to the same song I listened to from ten years ago, or when it was too hard, I’d cry myself to sleep. I have basically been unplugging from all the unnecessaries.
All my life, I thought things won’t get any worse than the worst I had, until I had to spent Eid alone here in Papua. I had convinced myself I was fine. The situation is extraordinary and I’m not alone in this. Until the D-day, I woke up early without any sound of takbir so I listened to an online radio streaming because I really miss takbir. Without realizing, tears were streaming down my face. I cleaned the house when it’s still dark, distracting myself. I took a shower and got ready for Eid prayer.
You know how the Eid prayer starts with takbir? I couldn’t control myself. I broke down, silently crying. I didn’t want to wake my friend who was still asleep. I started asking myself what I was doing, praying alone here.
When it’s time for family call. My dad cried so hard as soon as he saw me through the video. I bit my lips so hard, trying not to cry too, because I knew if I cried, that would made him feel worse. I laughed and joked the whole call.
I went to the bathroom as soon as the call ended, promised myself that would be the last tears for the day, dried my eyes and went out like nothing happened.
Let it out, easily said than done. Don’t keep it bottled up, they said. I’d rather keep it in one bottle and work hard to never spill any. I learned the hard way that being weak and vulnerable and being able to show it, is privilege.

Appreciation Post

February 14.

As much as I don't want to make a big deal out of Valentine's day, I can't help but think about last year. Setahun yang lalu, saya masih kerja mostly from home. 

14 Februari seperti hari hari sebelumnya sejak tahun sebelumnya, saya mulai dengan happy menjawab pesan "How are you this morning? did you get enough sleep?", saya masih ingat betul isi pesan ini, karena setiap pagi hampir sama pesannya. I didn't think I would be the kind of person who doesn't cringe because of these kind of messages. 

14 Februari tahun lalu, dia sudah 2 hari berkantor di klien di TB Simatupang, tentunya lembur terus karena ada trouble. Setelah pesan pagi itu saya jawab, seperti biasa pembicaraan kami menuju ke, "what's your plan for today?" untuk saya, dan "will you stay at the client's again today?" untuk dia. setelah beberapa menit bertukar rencana hari itu, entah karena menonton TV atau apa, dia teringat tanggal.

14 Februari, "Hey, it's Valentine's Day! I'm gonna send you your fave chocolates". Seperti saat mengawali tulisan ini, I didn't want to make a big deal out of a day just because it's February 14. "I know you'll refuse, but hey let me please, just don't think of the 14th, take it as a normal day I'm sending you chocolate".

14 Februari, belum sampai satu bulan sebelumnya, saya dikirimin dark chocolate banyak sama dia, dan rasanya belum lama habis, maka saya beralasan, nanti-nanti saja. But him being a smartass, "You had a lot, yes I know, I'm the one who sent them to you, and YOU'LL GET MORE today, take them as your whole next month ammunition's".  Okay, I'm about to lose, "You're making me a chocolate monster", dan jawaban selanjutnya, "Chocolate monster is cute, cookie monster is not", err.. tell me again how did I survive these kind of cheesy remarks? :))

14 Februari, abang grab express datang dari ujung selatan Jakarta ke rumah di ujung Jakarta Timur, bawa satu kresek coklat. Jauh? jelas, tapi nggak sejauh dia biasa ngirimin coklat dan buah, dari Utara! Nggak lama dia langsung kirim pesan minta maaf karena coklat yang dikirim hampir semuanya manis (I didn't really eat sweets at that time). Jadi ternyata di client site dia pikir ada supermarket gede buat beli coklat, turned out that there was only one small mart and what do you expect, dia nggak ketemu dark chocolate, adanya coklat-coklat yang manis. But he did his best, mixing those sweet chocolate with some rather plain chocolate brownie and baked cookies yang entah ketemu di mana.

14 Februari tahun lalu, seperti hari-hari sebelumnya dan hingga 6 bulan setelahnya, merasa appreciated. And I'm grateful that the effect of being loved once really lasts for a long time. We were both so into each other, well I admit it now, I committed to something I didn't think I would have ever believed in. I think he was the right person and we just clicked, but the distance between us (he said, it's only between me and him, not between him and me) is too faraway, crossing the most principle matter that has been with me since I was born. Dia bilang agama itu seperti underwear, you wear yours I wear mine, tapi gimana pun saya nggak pernah bisa berpikir begitu, now that sounds like an insult to me.

14 Februari tahun lalu, for once I felt like everything was alright except for the one person I was with. We were not made for each other's company, but lesson only. I got to know the side of me I didn't think I had. I depended on him a lot, something I thought I would never have done to anyone ever again. Thank you.

Hari ini, 14 Februari, bukan belum move on. Take this as an appreciation post. I want to reserve a tiny space in my heart to remember him as a very trusted, attentive, and understanding man, and one of the best person to ever came to me, to have restored my faith in people.

Please live well and happily as you always do.

ps: I'm seriously going to write about this person and other stuffs soon, I don't want to forget things before I even write them here :(