After A Year

It’s been a year since I last taught formally in class. I MISS teaching, I miss standing in the middle of our small cozy classroom, I miss sitting while observing my students, I miss listening to their complaint as soon as they arrived from office/school, I miss arguing with the kids just because they held their pride up, I miss telling story as the bridging to the lessons, I miss preparing teaching aids, I miss writing down my lesson plans, I miss preparing all the steps and procedures, well more than that, I miss MY STUDENTS.

When I first decided to leave teaching out, It didn’t just happen in a blink of an eye. I got a month to fix things. That one month was the most miserable month in my life. You know the feeling of meeting those you would leave after in a month. It was really painful. Whenever I saw the kids, I felt a pang in my heart, especially when they sweetly said, “thank you miss, I love you…” over little things I did in class. Or even when they bawled, “aaah miss, I’m so tired, I don’t want to do this…”. I, that time, wondered if the new teacher would understand them the way I did.

The fact that a year has passed makes me believe that I’m more than I think I am. This past 12 months, I could bear all new things. I have been trying my best to love what I’ve been doing. Teaching is  my thing, but working as an employee is another thing. There was a time I compared them and ended up hating myself because what I want is not what I need. There was a time I thought I made a great choice quitting, but then ended up questioning whether that was what I really wanted.

Despite all the struggles and all the doubt and the fear I have in my head, I have passed my first year. Going back to the way I was last year is definitely not a choice. I’m not ever coming back although I keep reminiscing on how lovely those days were.

The place where I am now is my choice. Whatever might happen is the consequence of it. I’m sure I’m going to accomplish whatever it is.

Seeing Caterpillars Becoming Butterflies (Part 1)

This is a story about a class I've handled the longest so far as my teaching career. Normally at our school, teacher manages a class for 1 term, about 2 months, after that the teacher will be exchanged so students won't get bored and they can experience different exposures and atmosphere. In November 2011, I was given a new class, a class of teenagers, high schoolers. I still remember when I first came, I met three students, a very serious young boy who seemed having no interest in other things except studying, a quiet girl who was well pretty dressed, and another ignorant girl who kept answering my question with "I don't know, I forget" without even looking at me. I was shaken, it was my forth month teaching, and I hadn't thought teenagers that much. So in my first 45 minutes in that class, I hid my nerve and kept talking to myself, "it's okay". I still remember 3 students came late for almost an hour, I had done my presentation when they came. I still remember their face, when they first look at me, they showed that they had no interest in me, one of them even asked, "why are you teaching us? where's ms.x", they nagged asking for their previous teacher. I had a breakdown on my first day with their cruelty, but I decided to stay. The previous teacher kept complaining about that class, especially those three late musketeers, so I thought that I might have to give it a try.

On our early meetings, I did my best to get to know them better. I love talking to my students, from those teenagers, I learned about a lot of new things, I learned how to deal with them better based on their different current situation. Reading books and watching movies showed me that it's such an easy thing to do, in fact, it was pretty hard on me. when I asked them , they responded not the way I expected.

I have a student named willy, 17yo boy. He is one of the three late musketeers. He always sat on the desk right in front of the teacher table, my table, cope his one hand around his face and stared at me with a very sharp eyes that looked like killer's eyes. I was once had a conversation with him.

Me: Willy what things are you interested in, do you like watching movies?

Willy: engga ms.

Me: what about Sport, do you like doing sports?

Willy: engga suka juga ms.

Me: So what thing do you like the most?

Willy: engga ada ms yang I suka, lagian ngapain sih ms nanya-nanya.

He didn't look annoyed, he was saying it with his straight face but it was embarrassing for me.

Two weeks had passed when I realize that they didn't change. Three musketeers kept coming late and even later, they didn't study seriously, I wonder if they even considered me as their teacher that time, they came late because they went to the fitness center before coming to class. They made me speechless. The rest three students didn't interact that much, they minded their own business. I was really worried. I prepared good materials and activities for the class but they just wouldn't work.

We finally had finished our first month together, it was time for mid-test. As expected, three musketeers weren't ready for it. when their friends were doing the tests, I put them in separated class saying that I would give them additional review. Truthfully I did review all the materials, they were following me seriously, even when I gave them writing practices. Looking at their serious faces toward the books, I wondered, why couldn't they be like that everyday. I mumbled, "why are you studying English?", three of them looked at me quietly. "I ask what is your purpose studying English?" I speak louder, still no response. "Is your mom forcing you to come here? or do you just follow each other to play here?". I remember how willy firstly offended, lift his chin up, "I for my study ms, saya juga worry sama English saya, nanti saya mau kuliah di perhotelan, saya mesti belajar ms..." I nodded, then gazed to Calvin, then he mumbled, "saya juga buat improve bahasa inggris saya ms", the last musketeer, Arya supported calvin's answer. I sighed again and looked at their faces one by one, "you know guys, you parents pay me to study with you here, I'm responsible for your English here so I feel useless if you just play around and give no attention toward the lessons, after hearing your reasons, I hope you can come on time next meeting, at least try coming earlier than coming one hour late. we have only 2 hours here, if you miss the first one, what should I do with things you've skipped? can you at least promise me this?". In the end they said "yes". Miraculously, the next meeting three of them came on time, I met them around the stairs, Calvin smiled and said, "ms, kita nepatin janji kita kan, nggak telat kan?". I smiled, it was one of happiest moments in my life. 

Day after days, I could see them change, but not like in a drama where they should change dramatically, no, it started with a tiny improvement, but I was grateful for that. Willy told me about his interest in cookery, Calvin and Arya showed interest in volleyball, William, the serious guy started telling stories about his brother instead of the academic things, Gaby, the quiet girl shared that she wanted to became an actress but her parents didn't allow her to join any auditions, and Ihui, the half Taiwanese girl who first looked very ignorant started bragging about her very lovely dog Bikime. I could feel that we got closer.

One terms finally ended, I thought I hadn't had enough time with them, I'm still unfinished with them so I told the principal to give me another chance there.

In our second term together, we had two new boys, Josiah, a boy with bright smile with his friend, a very tall Brian. Our class became warmer. In our second term, I finally saw William's first smile, it was really bright, I thought I would only see the folds on his forehead. Ihui and Gaby got along well, Gaby gave Ihui a birthday gift, Josian and Brian were very good at studying, three musketeers came earlier, Willy even came before me for several meetings. Just like that we finished our second term. I didn't have any right to beg the principal to stay there again, so I just let it be, although deep in my heart, I still want to be with them. Surprisingly they demanded to be taught by no other teachers but me. I knew I shouldn't. but I can't help to feel happy with their efforts, they threaten to stop studying if the teacher was changed. so there I was in the third term with them.

I think it was around March and April, three musketeers were up to their national exam at school, I was so nervous thinking about them. Too bad, on the second meeting of the third term, I couldn't make it, I collapsed of the typhus symptoms. I even fainted at my dorm that my uncle took me to his house in Bintaro. I skipped teaching for more than two weeks. It was really hard on me. I had no energy, I felt so used, I couldn't swallow anything, I lost my weight and getting so weak for staying on bed for too long. My mum isn't a text person, neither do I. She kept calling me but I was just too weak to tell things to her, speaking was even hard for me. My friends were normally busy so they didn't really have time to text me. Rather than feeling lonely, I felt afraid, I had never been that weak in my whole life. I started browsing through my smart phone about death that caused by my illness. I was afraid to that extent. If I could say who were there supporting me the most, of course my uncle's family, then my mum, then it was them, my students from that class, Gaby kept texting me reminding me to eat healthy food, William kept asking when I came back, Arya kept sending me jokes that never failed to put a smile on my weakling condition, and Calvin never got tired talking with me, he sent silly jokes and upgraded my spirit. I wasn't good at texting, usually, when people talk with me by letters, I kept thinking of the right response as I didn't want to hurt their feeling, I kept blaming my self if my talking partner ended the chat hanging or response me with a very short word. It didn't happen to me and my students, I love how I could be my self to them, I love how they never got annoyed by my late reply, my complaints, my nags, and even my brags.

At that time, even before I fully recovered, I decided to be back teaching. There was a thing I shouldn't be happy about, but it was touchy indeed. Some of them stop coming to class when I was on my leave, they said they  don't want any other teacher. They boycott the class, I felt so loved that time.

When I finally came back to that class, I was so happy to see their faces again. I guessed I would be recovered sooned. Arya even gave me a batik bracelet saying things like "ms harus cepet sembuh, kalo berasa sakit lagi, liat aja gelangnya nanti kan keingetan saya langsung sembuh deh, hahaha". I laughed seeing how confident he was. I still have the memorable bracelet.

Finally, our third term almost came to an end.Three musketeers were focusing on their national exam. We got closer. I kept supporting them, what was so thrilling, I accompanied them staying up late until morning to study, when they got sleepy they would text me, as a bat girl, it was a coincidence, I had friends to stay up late, it was a mutual relationship among us. When it finally passed, we all could breath in relax. But too bad that Willy started getting busy with his preparation to enrolling to tourism education school in Bintaro which is very far from Pluit that made him stop coming to class, it was around May when Gaby was getting busy too with her final exam at school, she stopped finally. Brian also left because his mum said to postpone the course first. We were left with me, William, Josiah, Ihui, Arya, and Calvin. The class got quieter. It was a bit painful when I saw the seat that used to be Willy's, Gaby's, and Brian's, but we got used to it eventually.

Now That class left with only me, Ihui, Josiah, and William. Arya started getting busy with his study in Untar so he left in around October 2012, Calvin who is currently studying in Binus was also busy with his extra activities at campus and his canon photo school so he left in October as well.

New students came to that class, but the feeling is still the same. It was warm and comfortable to teach there, I've taught that class for 1 year and 2 months because they never want another teacher. It was the only class that treat me more like friends, we shared everything, EVERYTHING, I know most of the things about them, their family, their intention, their dream and so on. They know me too, I don't know how far they've known, but they've seen me in my bad mood, in my good mood, and all situation where I complained and whined.

I still keep in touch with the other students through twitter and blackberry messenger. They're more like brothers and sisters to me. Sometimes they could be so whiny and stubborn, but the other time, they would be so mature and so helpful foe me.

One day when I stop teaching, I won't forget that I've ever been so happy with them and I'll keep our tie as long as possible.

Attention Seekers Part 2

Ah, I can't believe that I need very long time to continue my previous story. Well, today, I finally got my official contract for my new status, Junior 2 Teacher, after the class observations, workshop, submitting lesson plans, etc, in the end I did quite well :p

About the messy mushroom class during the observation, I kept thinking about it, after that, I couldn't face my principal directly, I was afraid and had a feeling that she must have thought that I was incapable as a teacher. It affected my mood in the class, after that class, we still had several meetings before the project and progress tests, so every time I saw my students, it's not that I hate them, but as normal human I had a thought like, "ah.. I could have done better if only you had cooperated well that day". I acted normally but inside my heart, I felt worried. The result of the observation was still unknown but I presumed myself. My spirit eventually went down in handling that class. I was nervous of bad result possibility.

One day after that D-day, I came to that class wearing brand new shoes, they're brown almost red, and I could admit that they're my most girly shoes with even ribbons on them. My kids didn't say anything but they looked at mine obviously, their pride was just too high to ask whether I wore new shoes.

During the class activities, a kiddo came to me and asked question, but instead of normally standing in front of me, he stocked his plump body to my legs, since he wasn't doing it for whiny purpose, I let it be. While I was answering his question, he lost his balance and stepped on my shoes, and as soon as that happen, he swapped the ribbon on my right shoes with his big crocs sandals until the ribbon stocked out and fell on the floor, I was shocked, widened my eyes, looked at the crocodile that had eaten my clueless new shoes. I could have been angry, but then I controlled my self, ok I was sure he would apologize, I knew he's not a bad kid.

Surprisingly more shocked than me, the kiddo looked scared and he left me speechless with his excuse. Rather than saying sorry, he said senseless words, "Ms, is this your new shoe? that's whyyy, I actually want to tell you, don't buy ABAL-ABAL shoes, this is cheap but bad, look now it's broken, buy crocs like me, this is good shoes". Normally I would stop him and remind him about Indonesian word he said, "abal-abal", but that time, my head burned, this crocs monster, how could he say such things. I was thinking of a counter attack when he said another defended words, "your shoes are abal-abal ms, my MOM said good shoes are crocs...". After his last excuse, my head cooled down, I really wanted to meet his mum that time. I was angry to him, but I felt that his mum should take the blame for the not-sorry kiddo.  

After that, my spirit suppressed dramatically there. the next meeting, it was around three meetings left before we finished the level. I came to the class promising my self to forget all the traumatic things happened there.

As soon as I got in, several kids were busy writing and drawing, then, a chubby girl came to me and said, "Next level, you're still with us, right?", I just put on a smile. "I like you, This is for you from us, please keep this". I was curious but then sentimentally smiled looking at the note she gave me. Ah how I could ignore those kids. They made mistake by adding 'are' before love, but I didn't mind at all, and what's with 'from the children', so cheesy, hehe.

Well, about the observation result, I was kinda taken aback when the principal said good thing about my teaching procedures, "It must be hard on you, teaching kids, they don't calculate our feelings like adult, they do things recklessly, but I really like the way you coped with them, the way you personally handle them, bear in your mind that you have the patience as the key to teaching kids, keep it up....". I was blanked, the principal said all good things about the way I treated the students, in fact she criticized only the technical thing, "during the pair work, you made a student ask and the pair answer, it was actually good, but it would be much better if they didn't do it only that way, they need to exchange their role to add the exposure to the language....". So the feedback session was almost all about technical thing, mushroom class attitude that time didn't influence any of my credits. And, see now, I've pass another step, now I'm a Junior 2 teacher, the mushroom class is currently being taught by another teacher, let them experience, reflect, and learn. I'm thankful to them for giving me unexpected experience and good time.

Attention Seekers

Still remember the class with mushroom stories? once I read the story again, it looks like that's a perfect class where every teacher's plan will go smoothly. In fact, sometimes I feel like the kids (they're all about six or 7 and one is 8) start taking me easy, this recurring problem is not new at all for a lenient teacher like me, but I don't want to tell about it.

So this is a story about my kind of 'D-day', an important day. In our school, teachers are normally observed by the principal every several months, so this is my 9th observation day. The mushroom class, we call it Red 1, was chosen as the representative of my children class. I didn't feel nervous at all since that wasn't my first time, although we've got new material with completely new publisher books and multimedia, I had no worry. So I made my lesson plan well, activity by activity. I predicted things that could ruin my session until I finally thought that everything's perfect.

At the 'D-day', I told them that the principal would join them studying. Their response was just like "Oh, ohkay". I didn't have any intuition about unplanned things to happen.

The principal was finally sitting there when I started the class. And you know whaat? even since the first stage of teaching procedures, things were going unplanned.

I normally start by talking to them about their day, the food they ate, the lesson they studied at school, the cartoon they watched previous night, and even their plans after class, they have always been excited telling me everything, Gaby, the most talkative usually starts with "I'm not happy today, but I'm not angry too, just so so, I'm a lil bit tired, you know I have many course, and I clean my bedroom, my sister is lazy, never tidy the room, and today at school I have math test, it's easy, bla bla...". Marco ever replied me "Today I play basketball, I fight with P4, they're big, but I score one, tomorrow I play again at school but with P3, I think I will win again, bla bla...", even the quietest student, Priska always answers like, "I study PE today, weekend I go to church and then eat at the mall with my mum and dad and brother..". 

Normally they answer that way, but as soon as another new person (which was the principal) joined us, they turned to be aliens. This is the chronology of my first stage, talk to the students.

I started, "Hello everyone! so how's you day today? who's happy here? Are you all sad? no?" (I started brightly).

No one answered me, they put on very expensive faces telling me like, "want me to speak? pay in advance!". I tried really hard until several of them answered, "don't want to tell you about today". I was choked, but all was well, I went to the second stage, warming up. I had prepared a very exhilarating game with a lot of expectation in it. Normally since it was a new game, they will shout excitingly "I want to play, me first, me first, me first!", but while the principal was watching, they put on their "still expensive face" and just responded, "ms, I don't want to play", "it's boring ms, can I not play?", "can we play other game?", "ms, I want play hangman". Nothing answered as expected although in the end they played after my eyes almost popped out (I lie,hehe).

It was really funny once I thought about it again. Thank God, I'm not a newbie so I've learned to be prepared for those unplanned situations.

In the middle of my presentation, they could follow me in a quite normal way. I chose pair work as the practice, I divided them in to several pairs, usually, they never complain about anything during this activity. They have to follow all my instructions, but that day, they quite disappointed me because one of them didn't care about my instructions, and kept complaining as well, "ms, I think I know how to do this, we better bla.. bla.. so it is more interesting bla.. bla..", I don't mind my kids giving me suggestions, but at that time she talked a nonsense rule which wasn't correct at all but just created a chaotic situation. I got stiff because of that. I started getting more serious so they could follow me seriously too.

During the production stage, I encourage them to draw their room "this morning and now", basically they've just been intruduced to "past tense, was and were". Normally almost all of them are excited of drawing because it's fun, but that day, ane of the students said, "ms aaah, I don't want to draw", then, "ms, I can not draw", one who wanted to draw even said, "I want to draw the mountain and the beach", and there they went out of control. I never shout at my students, I don't believe in the "scary way" to educate. So I started shifting their attention from rebelling, I mumbled, "hm.. Amazing World of Gumball last episode wasn't interesting at all...", normally they will be offended and reply, "noooo, I like it!", "it was greaat not bad!" and other defensive answers, but at that day, they answer, "I don't watch it, I don't like gumball anymore, I like 'adventure time now'", I was like, argh! (but only in my heart, of course :D). I could see the principal couldn't hold her smile.

Finally after feeling like it's been a thousand years, the last fifteen minutes, the principal left. As soon as she left, all the aliens turned to be my normal kids! and started telling a lot of story and all. I was just sighing non-stop.

Ooops! this gonna be a very longe story, I'll make it in to two part because I'm running out of time to prepare going to my office, see you tonight, blogspot!

Being Lucky

(End of year event 2011 and new year event 2012)

"Someone who could figure out his/her passion is lucky"
(A quote from teh saphy)

I've been putting a lot of interest in English even since I first learned it in Elementary School. Then when I grew up, I found out that I really like the way one of my english teacher taught me. Later I was obsessed to be a teacher. It took a long way. I couldnt imagine that I still had chance to be someone I've always wanted.

When I graduated from university, I applied to some companies, the place where I should be. To be honest, I was afraid. I felt no confidence. I thought that I didnt have anything to give to a company, I couldnt even give my passion there. I didnt think that I was capable enough and most important, I didnt wanna end up there, a place where I didnt think I belong to.

Talking about passion, I thought I found where mine is. When I was in high school, I taught english for an english course, it was fun, I felt that as my passion when I felt that coming there then teaching was so much more important than the payment that I got that time.

When I was in University, I had another chances, teaching in a remote area and also teaching in my university. There was much sensation. I loved it, being in front of the class, sharing things I know earlier than the other.

A lmost a year ago, I finished my study in university when I was still wondering what should I do. I did applied to several international school (since I wasnt graduated from educational major, formal school would definitely refuse me) but I got dumped during the pedagogic test, it's like a test whether I'm mentally ready to be a teacher or not, but in fact, the test was all about teaching theory that I didnt know. In the end I couldnt join any school.

At the end of May 2011, a place where I can teach called me, and I've been being hired by them since then. Its International Language Program (ILP) Pluit. Simply said its an english course. I wasnt sure at the first time because english course that I knew is a place where teacher teaches grammar, and kind of boring, but since that's the opportunity to teach, I accepted that. First month, I did some observations in senior teachers' classes. I was trained alone, could you imagine, one day sitting alone in a room, watching teaching procedures CDs of ILP, then reading thick handouts about steps and stages of teaching in ILP, I was like, "WOW! this is serious!". I also did tandem teaching with my friend that was also newly hired there. I was a bit shocked, The students there were not the same like other students I've ever taught. They're special, the're demanding, mostly selfish, and not easy to handle (but it's in a good way). I was challenged. I couldnt wait for my own classes. During July 2011, I had been being trained in ILP center, yes, that was new knowledge for me, although it's franchise, but it's centered and all the material are controlled by one center, all teachers should first get fully training for 1 month because it has got own material and different teaching procedures, I cant just teach with my shabby methods, I have to follow the procedures and even steps and stages from the center. Well, that was great, they trained me not only to be a good english teacher but also a good teacher. I was also taught to teach not only material but also attitude for students.

Now here I am, Im a teacher of an english course, I can make my own living, and I'm happy. Everyday I create a lesson plan based on our material. For a teacher, lesson plan is crucial thing, its our masterpiece, teaching without it is like walking without any direction (thats what my trainer said). After finishing my lesson plan, I do a 'guardian angeling', a process where I consult my lesson plan to the principal that will check the steps and stages, correct my mistake and add some ideas to make it better. After that I will prepare all teaching aids for visual presentation in the class, then I'm ready to teach. Day after day, I've got many surprises, to tell you the truth, I've got desperate moments too, but the more it occurs, the more it makes me stronger to hang on, I've met many kinds of students, I've learned a lot from them, I can say that I'm getting better. I'm happy for finally standing in my own choice and fully supported by my father, mother, and sisters.

Back to my quote on the first part of this post, thanks God, I am lucky.