An Emotional Eid

I rarely say it when things are hard, almost never. Through all these years of adulting, the least thing I want to do is wasting my energy on complaining. Especially after automatically being responsible for so many things. When there’s feeling like I wanted to complain, I took a deep breath, listen to the same song I listened to from ten years ago, or when it was too hard, I’d cry myself to sleep. I have basically been unplugging from all the unnecessaries.
All my life, I thought things won’t get any worse than the worst I had, until I had to spent Eid alone here in Papua. I had convinced myself I was fine. The situation is extraordinary and I’m not alone in this. Until the D-day, I woke up early without any sound of takbir so I listened to an online radio streaming because I really miss takbir. Without realizing, tears were streaming down my face. I cleaned the house when it’s still dark, distracting myself. I took a shower and got ready for Eid prayer.
You know how the Eid prayer starts with takbir? I couldn’t control myself. I broke down, silently crying. I didn’t want to wake my friend who was still asleep. I started asking myself what I was doing, praying alone here.
When it’s time for family call. My dad cried so hard as soon as he saw me through the video. I bit my lips so hard, trying not to cry too, because I knew if I cried, that would made him feel worse. I laughed and joked the whole call.
I went to the bathroom as soon as the call ended, promised myself that would be the last tears for the day, dried my eyes and went out like nothing happened.
Let it out, easily said than done. Don’t keep it bottled up, they said. I’d rather keep it in one bottle and work hard to never spill any. I learned the hard way that being weak and vulnerable and being able to show it, is privilege.

Appreciation Post

February 14.

As much as I don't want to make a big deal out of Valentine's day, I can't help but think about last year. Setahun yang lalu, saya masih kerja mostly from home. 

14 Februari seperti hari hari sebelumnya sejak tahun sebelumnya, saya mulai dengan happy menjawab pesan "How are you this morning? did you get enough sleep?", saya masih ingat betul isi pesan ini, karena setiap pagi hampir sama pesannya. I didn't think I would be the kind of person who doesn't cringe because of these kind of messages. 

14 Februari tahun lalu, dia sudah 2 hari berkantor di klien di TB Simatupang, tentunya lembur terus karena ada trouble. Setelah pesan pagi itu saya jawab, seperti biasa pembicaraan kami menuju ke, "what's your plan for today?" untuk saya, dan "will you stay at the client's again today?" untuk dia. setelah beberapa menit bertukar rencana hari itu, entah karena menonton TV atau apa, dia teringat tanggal.

14 Februari, "Hey, it's Valentine's Day! I'm gonna send you your fave chocolates". Seperti saat mengawali tulisan ini, I didn't want to make a big deal out of a day just because it's February 14. "I know you'll refuse, but hey let me please, just don't think of the 14th, take it as a normal day I'm sending you chocolate".

14 Februari, belum sampai satu bulan sebelumnya, saya dikirimin dark chocolate banyak sama dia, dan rasanya belum lama habis, maka saya beralasan, nanti-nanti saja. But him being a smartass, "You had a lot, yes I know, I'm the one who sent them to you, and YOU'LL GET MORE today, take them as your whole next month ammunition's".  Okay, I'm about to lose, "You're making me a chocolate monster", dan jawaban selanjutnya, "Chocolate monster is cute, cookie monster is not", err.. tell me again how did I survive these kind of cheesy remarks? :))

14 Februari, abang grab express datang dari ujung selatan Jakarta ke rumah di ujung Jakarta Timur, bawa satu kresek coklat. Jauh? jelas, tapi nggak sejauh dia biasa ngirimin coklat dan buah, dari Utara! Nggak lama dia langsung kirim pesan minta maaf karena coklat yang dikirim hampir semuanya manis (I didn't really eat sweets at that time). Jadi ternyata di client site dia pikir ada supermarket gede buat beli coklat, turned out that there was only one small mart and what do you expect, dia nggak ketemu dark chocolate, adanya coklat-coklat yang manis. But he did his best, mixing those sweet chocolate with some rather plain chocolate brownie and baked cookies yang entah ketemu di mana.

14 Februari tahun lalu, seperti hari-hari sebelumnya dan hingga 6 bulan setelahnya, merasa appreciated. And I'm grateful that the effect of being loved once really lasts for a long time. We were both so into each other, well I admit it now, I committed to something I didn't think I would have ever believed in. I think he was the right person and we just clicked, but the distance between us (he said, it's only between me and him, not between him and me) is too faraway, crossing the most principle matter that has been with me since I was born. Dia bilang agama itu seperti underwear, you wear yours I wear mine, tapi gimana pun saya nggak pernah bisa berpikir begitu, now that sounds like an insult to me.

14 Februari tahun lalu, for once I felt like everything was alright except for the one person I was with. We were not made for each other's company, but lesson only. I got to know the side of me I didn't think I had. I depended on him a lot, something I thought I would never have done to anyone ever again. Thank you.

Hari ini, 14 Februari, bukan belum move on. Take this as an appreciation post. I want to reserve a tiny space in my heart to remember him as a very trusted, attentive, and understanding man, and one of the best person to ever came to me, to have restored my faith in people.

Please live well and happily as you always do.

ps: I'm seriously going to write about this person and other stuffs soon, I don't want to forget things before I even write them here :(

They say that time flies, but you keep breaking its wing -Tablo

What makes us devoted to writing? I used to be addicted to this space. but as time goes by, I undeliberately left and this room has been abandoned for so long.

Days, weeks, months, years, passed by.
Reality is more beautiful yet more exhausting, sparing me no more energy left to share.
I thought I had it all, supportive mom and dad, loving sisters, enough friends who offers time and warmth in my worst days, and a fulfilling job that makes me think that I contribute to development (I always wanted to change the world).

Until last December, Gupta, a friend of mine said he found this blog and read some stories about our Parktikum Profesi, and he said it was sweet reading those stories after almost 10 years and that it would have been nice if I finished the stories.

This blog has always been very personal. I never had any intention to write something scientific or social here. It was very satisfying telling my days here. I don't expect people to read so I was not that offended when a senior told me that my blog is merely for "curhat", he got it right.

The times I didn't write, there were moments I couldn't sleep at night and I came back to the old posts, and if Gupta found some stories sweet, I found these whole blogposts bittersweet. Thinking back to what  were in the past and wishing I could turn back time and change things. Growth is the answer to this wishful thinking. I've constantly been learning a lot all these years.

At least I thought I had it all, until I long for spaces. And here I am, hoping to record more of my stories, to make sure I lead a meaningful life, be it bitter or sweet.

Tadaima..

Jenny's Pride

Not only I miss the kids, but I also want to meet the teenagers even more. I once had a story with Jenny, a 13 to 14 yo girl. She was SWAG! Well I don’t really know the definition of SWAG but somehow she fitted that term. Jenny came from a very wealthy family, but from what I heard, she was not in a good term with her mom, which was typical problem for my students there.

Jenny really loved Lady Gaga. She could spend a whole day talking about how great Gaga was. She said she loved coming to my class because she hated coming home.

Jenny was always lazy when it came to studying. She would always showed her signature remark “Aaah ms, let’s just talk, okay, let’s just share story, okay…”. My challenge was how to balance her story time and the lesson, which was my, no, our priority.

I grew fond of her. She told me that her mom kept making her do things she hated. She wanted to learn guitar, but she had to take a piano lesson because he mom thought that guitar would ruin her nails. She loved futsal and soccer, yet her mom made her join a swimming club because swimming was so much more girly. But it was normal. Teenagers (from what I learn) were in the phase where they tend to rebel rather than negotiate. When they’re older, they will learn how to get what they want with negotiation and without confrontation.

Several terms had passed when I finally had to leave her class. My principal said that it was not healthy anymore. For her, I was too lenient on the kids and it could spoil them. After that, I got another class as the substitute and Jenny got a new teacher. A month and two, I kept getting message from her telling me to come back. She said she would study harder and stop playing around. What could I do… after what she called a nice way to ask for me back, she threatened to quit. I tried to assure her we could still talk outside the class. Glad she hung on.

The time when she had her school group holiday to Bali, she bought me a T-Shirt saying “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you better stuff, FYI I didn’t even buy anything for my mom”. 

Well, I got it. I felt I was important for her.

One day, Jenny’s teacher came so angry. Her face was all red. In teacher’s room, she said Jenny was way too hard to handle. “How dare she call me dog? How impolite and look very uneducated!”. We consoled the teacher that day. It must be hard on her. Being called names by students (especially not kids, must be hurtful).

Well to cut the story short, it was probably the last time Jenny came.  I never saw her after that, so I decided to contact her. I asked her what happened; she replied and made me speechless. “You know I love Gaga, you know how hard I persuaded my mom to let me buy the ticket to her Jakarta concert, you know how happy I was when my mom gave up and said yes, but when Gaga canceled her concert, I told Ms. X (the teacher in her class), you know what she said? She laughed loudly at me, pointing her pointed finger saying how poor I was. It hurt me a lot; she didn’t know how bad I felt because I couldn’t see Gaga after all the effort I did.”

It was like I was slapped on the face that day. No matter how I hate some cheesy actors, I never stated it in front of students who liked them. 

You might think that Jenny was overacting that time, but for me, no. teenagers are like that. They are very vulnerable. When you insult the thing they like, it feels like you and the world are against her. Their pride is important and they don’t need you to love the thing they love. I felt her.

I Miss Maxi

Although I’m not teaching anymore. There were moments I want to remember, I want to treasure as it is a very happy or sad memory. A month or two after quitting, receptionist at the place I used to work texted me, telling that one of the kid’s moms, Maxi’s mom, asked for my number. I was surprised because I have never personally talked to her. I only met Maxi in the last 2 months of my teaching. I told her I didn’t mind giving my number.

Maxi was almost 5yo that time. He was still in kindergarten. When he first came, his mom told me he hates his previous English class because it was too noisy and they played too much in class. I was amazed by such a remark from a 5yo kid. I found out that Maxi was brilliant; he spoke well for a toddler and a non-native speaker.

Maxi was way too perfect as a kid. He was clean, he was tidy, he was nice, he was smart, and he has no flaw for a kid like him. He used to have problem making friends before he came. In my class, I was trained to deal with such kid; I tried my best approaching him since he first looked like he didn’t believe me. It didn’t work out well, but I believe in process and I understood that time worked better.

One day while the kids were doing written tasks, I hummed a song unconsciously. I actually had this bad habit of humming while teaching. I hummed some of The Scripts’ songs. Suddenly, Maxi stood up and continued singing the song I sang. We ended up singing “the man who can’t be moved” together. When we finished, he laughed widely that I also wanted to laugh looking at his smiley eyes and his shoulder shaking because maybe he thought that it was ridiculous we sang that song together. Maxi looked so cute that day. He said that he really loved that song. Since then he got a lot closer to me and he opened up more to other friends. His mom also stopped standing in front of the classroom door (she did stand there because Maxi didn’t want to be in class unless she did).

A week after the call from the receptionist, I visited my previous working place. She asked me whether Maxi’s mom had contacted. I didn’t think I get any messages. I asked her what happened. Well, it turned out that after I quilted, Maxi kept asking for me, “where’s ms wida? Why she is not coming? I want ms wida, can she come? Why not? I miss ms wida, where’s ms wida?...” there the questions goes back and forth. I felt like crying for that. From Maxi's mom, I heard that Maxi had changed a lot since he came to my class. after lessons, on their way back home, he would talk a lot about me to his mom. At home, he would tell every thing, what I told him, how we played, what we learned, from A to Z. Coming to our class was always exciting for him. This made me feel relieved and sad at the same time. relieved for we both did well, sad for the fact that I wouldn't know when I would meet him again.

Maxi was one of many adorable kids I met during my teaching career.  Now that I look back, those times with the kids were very precious. Kids are honest, kids are pure. They have no hatred that no matter how annoying they gets, I can never be mad at them.

Ah, what I am blabbering about. I might just MISS Maxi and other Maxis too much.

After A Year

It’s been a year since I last taught formally in class. I MISS teaching, I miss standing in the middle of our small cozy classroom, I miss sitting while observing my students, I miss listening to their complaint as soon as they arrived from office/school, I miss arguing with the kids just because they held their pride up, I miss telling story as the bridging to the lessons, I miss preparing teaching aids, I miss writing down my lesson plans, I miss preparing all the steps and procedures, well more than that, I miss MY STUDENTS.

When I first decided to leave teaching out, It didn’t just happen in a blink of an eye. I got a month to fix things. That one month was the most miserable month in my life. You know the feeling of meeting those you would leave after in a month. It was really painful. Whenever I saw the kids, I felt a pang in my heart, especially when they sweetly said, “thank you miss, I love you…” over little things I did in class. Or even when they bawled, “aaah miss, I’m so tired, I don’t want to do this…”. I, that time, wondered if the new teacher would understand them the way I did.

The fact that a year has passed makes me believe that I’m more than I think I am. This past 12 months, I could bear all new things. I have been trying my best to love what I’ve been doing. Teaching is  my thing, but working as an employee is another thing. There was a time I compared them and ended up hating myself because what I want is not what I need. There was a time I thought I made a great choice quitting, but then ended up questioning whether that was what I really wanted.

Despite all the struggles and all the doubt and the fear I have in my head, I have passed my first year. Going back to the way I was last year is definitely not a choice. I’m not ever coming back although I keep reminiscing on how lovely those days were.

The place where I am now is my choice. Whatever might happen is the consequence of it. I’m sure I’m going to accomplish whatever it is.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

They say that time flies, but you keep breaking its wings -Tablo

HAPPY NEW  YEAR!

I was sleeping a while ago when firework attacks here and there noisily, then I got up and didn't know what to do, until I remember I have abandoned this blog for a long time. Busy? it's a lie. Really busy? It's an excuse. Truth is I enjoy my life too much out there that I go home sleepy everyday. I planned this blog as a place for me to tell things I couldn't tell in real life at first. I'm not good at expressing myself. one thing I hate the most is getting angry and let my emotion control me. This blog has been such great help to release them.

Well, go back to reality, another year has just passed. Many things happened this year. I'm sure I've accomplished things beside the fact that I also forgot (didn't really put effort) for other things.

The first thing that makes me proud of (at least) myself, I (think) I finally let go of the past. I've had enough of being sad over unfinished things. When I write this, I have no hard feelings. Friends are getting married, having babies, getting scholarships, and other so called achievements, but me, I honestly am grateful with only how I finally feel since I need long way to go to this point of thought. I finally know how it feels to love my own self. I finally realize that I was too hard on myself. I never enjoyed myself the past recent years. I want to catch up on things I should have done before, it's never late for that.

The second good thing about this year is I finally got a job I'm sure I could develop myself with. I'm still learning here and there, I start from the bottom again. Something I didn't even ever imagined I could do.I'm so thankful of my supportive mum, sisters, and former students who were THERE, as my shelter, during my struggle and my transition. I didn't know how to go through that without them. It looks easy as how happy  I am now, but if you happened to see me six months ago, I might have looked lifeless. I had countless sleepless night thinking about this. I was afraid too, I was scared that I would never be as happy as I was that time anymore, BUT, they made it possible. Now  here I am, learning new things happily. Do I miss teaching? YES, a lot, but not to the point where I would regret my decision. I'm grateful for my job now.

The third thing this year is that one of my sister finally (almost) finishes her uni days, she's going to have her defense day this January. It's wonderful to be her keeper and see her til this time. My dad starts nagging on how I should settle down now since my sister will soon be independent, and how my mom, in the contrary supports me to pursue things I've dreamed of this whole time. It's funny how cool every of us arguing over this, I'm glad for my understanding mother, and I'm grateful for my thoughtful father for he's the most realistic person and he filters me. 

About what my Dad told me, to be honest, I've been thinking about it lately. I feel terrible too when I can't do things I want just because I'm like who I am now. When I want to go somewhere, there's some voice scolding me "It's time for you to have someone going with you.", when I enjoyed watching movies, there's voice yelling at me, "Rather than getting immersed on story on screen, think of your life!" well, fyi, I call it a 'life' too. When I say I don't want to know someone further, there's voice telling me, "You don't want to end up alone, DON'T YOU?", how tiring. When I buy stuffs I like, "Buying clothes? how old are you? what are you doing while others are buying baby clothes?". when I spend time  with guys I know, there's voice again scolding me, "They have girlfriends, what are you planning to do with them???", well this is the most irritating. Never once in my life I felt so desperate and planned on snatching what someone has. I have my moral too. just because I'm not in any relationship, just because I'm not married, it doesn't mean that I'm a threat and immoral. If they think that way, they don't have enough trust on me, which means we are finished. These little things might justify my father's demand on me. He's right, I must soon settle down, but not that  fast, daddy ;)

The fourth thing is I found myself having butterflies in my stomach. To cut the story short, It didn't end up well, in fact I was only played for a fool, but no the point is not like I broke my heart and felt depressed, big no. I want to emphasize on how grateful I am to still be able to feel THAT. I thought after all I've been through, after I realize that I should love myself more, I would never be able to have that feeling again, but now I'm more confident that I can. When it didn't end up well, I didn't cry or blame my stupidity, well I felt stupid, but just that, not more, now it feels like it never happened.

The fifth thing is for TONS other things  happened this year, I might write until next week to tell you all of them. 

It's still awkward to write 2015. 

It's another January. A month which was usually spent for I wish, if only, and if. it's been 12 years since that very gloomy January. I learned this year that no one could replace him. I wished he were here, in any form or any way. I met students whom I felt soooo close with that I considered them as him in other forms, but not, we were close but there were to much limit telling me that they could be close to me, but they're not him. Some friends were too close that I was overly happy thinking that it was a chance to feel him around, but not, if it were him, he would never misjudged and hurt me badly, I would never be hurt as we are bonded by blood. I realize that he is NOT here, as in my reality, but no doubt, he is always in my heart and I won't ask for more. Happy January, dear little one in heaven. I love you and always will.

I'm not going to burden myself with useless thought this year. I'm positive. People hurt us, but well people love us too. Problem appears, but see how better days come afterward.  All is well.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAPPY SOULS!

I don't want to get married!

Well, this is not about me, I want to tell about a kid's cuteness. So here he is, an 8 yo cool kid named Vixing. He likes anything boys like. He can't stand cuteness while in fact he is so cute.

One day he and a younger girl called erin came early. They stood up next to me who was busy setting the multimedia. He stood too close that I couldn't connect the listening cable, I looked at erin then she poked his shoulder signaling him to move further. He felt offended and frowned. "You angry just because I poke you?", erin asked him. "Yes! Why you poke me, I don't want you touch me because you are a girl, I hate girls, I hate GIRLS!!!", he even raised his voice at the last word. Erin sat down pouted.

I bowed at vixing, smiling at him, "wow, I've just heard that you hated girls, whyyy? Girls are cute", I teased him. He frowned more, "girls are noisy, they are noisy, they are not fun, thats why I don't want get married later, I will neveeeeeer live with a girl in future, I will live alone!", he crossed his arms.

I just nodded and asked them to sit. An hour had passed when we began to do writing exercise, being a smart student he is, he finished earlier. He started wandering around having nothing else to do until he finally came to me. I was busy checking his task so I ignored his presence. He tried to gain attention by taking my pencil case, I was still, he took one of my marker then drew gumball and darwin on the whiteboard, his others friend chuckled but I remained still with his book. He looked upset, so he came closer to me and poked my shoulder. I turn to look at him, then I turned away purposely. He started getting furious, he poked me twice, then he tried to tickle me. I stood up laughing, "why are you disturbing mee?", I hid my smile. "Why you ignore meee? You hate me?", he answered me with a question.
I went back to my seat and coolly replied, "I don't, but you said you hated girls because they are noisy, so I thought you hate me too, I'm also girl and I'm noisy", I tried hard to be serious.
His eyes rounded and he blurted, "of course I don't hate you, I hate other girls, I hate erin I hate girls in my school, I hatee my sister at home, they annoying but you not".
I grinned widely so he slightly regretted what he told me before.
"Oh really? If you don't hate me and I'm not annoying then it means you like mee, oh that was touchyyy", I wiped my imaginary tears while other kids laughed. Vixing, being a cool kid with a very high pride he is, stood up and tried to explain, "noooo, I don't say I like you", "so you hate me?" I stopped him from talking. "Noo, okay, I don't hate you, but I don't like you too". I put on sad face, "class, vixing doesn't like mee, he hates girls". Other kids started to comfort me, "I don't hate you ms", "I like you ms", and so on. Vixing felt bad and he raked his hair in frustation, "fineee, okay, I don't hate you, I don't hate all girls, some girls are not noisy, but not all, you are not, okay..."
I tapped his head, "nah that's better to say, what about your mom? do you hate her too because she's a girl?" I slightly blinked at him.
He was surprised at my question and directly answered, "what? Of course I love my mom the most although she is a girl, my mom is the best girl, but my sister is not, I still hate her because she always take my toys, she plays my ipad, she throw my legos, and she always shout to me ask me to do this and that, I hateeee herrrrrr!. He shook his head as other kids who had finished with their tasks started comparing how they hated their their sisters and brothers too. I gave them time to share and let them be for I knew no matter how bad their assumption of their siblings, I believed that they wouldn't end up as enemies.
Well they reminded me of my childhood, I used to hate my sister and we used to fight alot, now we still fight but never once I hate my sister again.
There's only one relationship lasts our entire life, "family", no matter how much we hurt each other, we would end up embracing each other again.

11 Years

It's another January, which means another year has just passed. it's been 11 years. 

I learned that 11 is the time to understand the world and start to feel things. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell you. Well,I would definitely want to tell you later.

11 is also the time I start to forget, which makes me afraid that I will not remember that you were once here with us. I want to always remember you even until I get old, please let me at least do that

Another January means another happy birthday to you!

This year, I don't know how I manage to find another related song again, I've been watching this video these days and it feels heartbreaking so this might somehow tell how we feel, no? :)

When I'm Bigger, You're Much Older, Ms.

Still related with my holiday, the kids were always excited every time I told them about my holiday in Vietnam, not only that actually, whenever I went to a new place, I ate at a new restaurant, I met a new person, they would like to know about them all. It must have been amazing for them to know that I had experienced a lot of things. Yup, being adult seems so promising for the kids.

Kid: Ms, I envy you a lot. You can go anywhere you want. If me, my mom I think will not give permission.

Me: That's normal, when I was at your age, my mom did the same. Don't worry, when you're bigger, you can travel by yourself

Kid: Impossible, you don't know my mom, last time I want arung jeram when in Bali, my mom angry, so how come I travel by myself???

Me: long waaay to go, just wait  ok.

Kid: can I have friends for traveling like you and your friends later?

Me: Sure, you will do.

kid: But my friends at school are lame, they don't like traveling

Me: Maybe not yet now, later you will find some, or when you're bigger, contact me, lets travel together, ok.

Kid: ahhhh how comeee, ms, when I bigger, you must be older, if we traveling together, then I will take care of you, no fuuunnnnn. *pout*

As usual I smirked and laughed at her silly thought :))