It's easy to say "just say what you want to say"

I started this day with envious. Yes, I envy everyone who could say YES and NO that easy.. I'm a kind of people that really good at lying and manipulating my rule. I'm so bad at pushing people and I'm not proud of it. when I dont like doing something, I just cant say I dont want to, I'll thousandly think about the impact, what if I say I dont want to, what's the reaction of people surround me, and I probably will still do it for the sake of anything, then I make myself sure that I did a very nice move, ah I'm so naive..
when I want to do something, I cant directly do it, I'll think of manything related to it, no, dont say that I'm such a careful person, it's just because I dont wanna hurt anybody, and in the end I'm the one who will be hurted. This happened all the time. A fellas tell me not to think too far of everything. Oh talk is really cheap, it's easy. Another tell me, if I want to be happy, I have to be able to express what am I thinking actually. Yeah, while I'm trying so damn hard to keep the other's feeling, more people will easyly confess their mind and just think "what's the matter when I wanna do is what I wanna do?". it's just so ironic...
well, here I could say I was thinking of going home, and still.. I was thinking of telling my parents I'll be home fixly. but what am I doing this morning! waking up by a phonecall from home, then my second sister asked me "do you REALLY want to go home? mum told to but the ticket quicly". I was thinking for some second, then what came out of my mouth is not what I was thinking, I lied by saying, "uhm.. I dont really want to actually, I have manythings to do here, I'm busy with my thesis and tutorial thingy, I cant left anything in my campuss, and so on..". she was saying nothing at the first second then said "I really dont understand you, why changing your mind all so sudden? I thought you do want to..". I straightly answer, "No I dont really want to". then she gave the phone to my father, I just cant control myself from crying but I could hide it well. The wise man said that it's okay if I choose to stay and not going home. he said that I could buy anything I want with the money that supposed to buy the tickets, and yes, I make him sure, that's a good idea. and that's how we ended the conversation. and now I'm a little bit regretting it. I guess my mind and my mouth dont have a good coordination. well I'm wondering how dissapointed my youngest sister will be. we've talked about manyplans if I get home.
honestly, now I'm still thinking of going home for a while but the more I think about it, the more I feel ashamed of me, I'm so sloppy, while suffering of thesis thingy and heart stuffs, I want to run away, I want an escape. I might easyly run but, err.. I think sometimes all we need is just dont do what you want to do, do what you need to do.. I'm so sorry for lying.
Actually I'm not that free, I'll lost many spanish class if I go home, who will handle my tutorial class if I go home, no one will accomplish my thesis if I still go home.. and I dont want to worry everyone who is waiting for me home.
yes, just FACE IT.. I'll go home once I had graduated.. :)
again I make myself sure that I've done a very nice move, and it's disrupting me